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Not
Just Another Foggy Night
by
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, as told to Sarang Gupta
It
all started this last Christmas Eve... It was kinda foggy but, then
again, I guess that's why I was there. We're heading south, just after
crossing the U.S.-Canada border, when I see something standing up in
the sleigh. At first, I think it's just old Saint Nick answerin' a call
o' nature. But then I see it's these skinny guys with big balloon
heads. Now, me, I'm a reindeer-- I keep flying. First thing they teach
ya in reindeer school is "don't look back". They figger if old Kris
Kringle's got some Santa groupie on his lap, ya can't tell what ya
don't see.
So I'm tryin' to figure out whether we're in Minnesota or North Dakoter
when I hears these shrill high-pitched voices. At first, I figure the
fat freak's doin' a menage, but then the voices get real excited and
annoyed, so I figger on breakin' the rules and take a peek back.
It's totally wild, man... like about two hunnerd of these "Tickle Me
Elmos" have gotten out of their boxes and is *demanding* that Santa
tickle them. Now, Santa's all tellin' 'em that soon they'll be with
children who'll tickle them night and day, but the Elmos ain't havin'
none of it. Now, my reindeer-vision ain't too sharp, but I turn up the
ol' honker glow, and I sees what I knew I'd see-- the Elmos' eyes are
all turnin' purple and there's pus leakin' out of some of 'em. Right
aways, I know what's goin' on...
Ya see, what they don't tell all of ya is that the Elmos is alive-- the
little good-for-nothing elves don't build 'em -- old Father Christmas
breeds 'em like rabbits. And, see, they all got this fixation for bein'
tickled-- it's like a high for 'em, and, if they don't get it, they go
into withdrawl. So, we puts all of 'em into suspended animation and
toss 'em down the chimney-- figurin' they'll wake up and some kid'll be
there to give 'em their fix-- but it looks like about two hunnerd of
'em got up early...
So Santa's tryin' to tickle a few and tryin' to get the rest to tickle
each other-- that never works-- we found out early that they can't
tickle their own kind-- it's like some weird genetic thing with these
guys-- like when we bred Bert and Ernie, they couldn't keep their hands
off each other...
So, anyway, things is gettin' a bit hectic back there and I'm startin'
ta worry-- I mean, I'm pretty good at navigatin' myself, plus I gots
the advantage of bein' in front... but the rest of the crew couldn't
find their way out of a bag of shit with a map... so without old Santa
on the reins, our formations gettin' a little wild.
So now Santa's so caught up with the little red freaks, some of them is
starting to play with the reins... mistake.. BIG mistake.... Like
stupid, flying, ungulate lemmings, the whole crew starts headin' down..
and I do mean DOWN! Now, before ya get the wrong idea, yeah, I'm
leadin' this merry band of pusbags, but as they teach ya in reindeer
school, "Always follow Santa's lead"-- they didn't make no provision
for some furry red balloon-headed freaks on the reins.
Now, at this point, I bail out... a quick snap of my teeth and I cut
the harness figurin' this is one reindeer game I'd rather NOT join. By
this time, Santa's finally got the reins back, but it's too late...
maybe if they still had my light.. but, nah, it's too late to play
maybes...
So the whole team, reindeer, Santa, Elmos and all, slams into the
ground... and I can't help thinkin, "Funny, I always thought I'd be the
one who'd go down in history"... now, all of the other reindeer are
shoutin' out, but not in glee... more like "my leg's broken" or "my
antlers snapped off" or "oh no, Cupid's head twisted off"....
I figger the Jolly Old Elf was the luckiest... as his sleigh skidded
along the ground, he popped out and hit his head on a rock-- brains
were squirtin' out like a bowl full of jelly, but it was quick.
December 24, 1996, 11:56pm Central Standard Time-- I made a note of
that one... figured someone would care...
So, now, I go over to where the Elmos is and hear 'em sayin' stuff like
"Elmo cold", and "Elmo tired", and "Elmo dying"... one of 'em looks up
at me and is all, "Please tickle Elmo... one last time?"
By this time, some people show up; the adults go over to the reindeer
and the kids go over to the Elmos. So this one kid, I figure he's like
7 or 8, starts tellin' the others how they can help the Elmos by
ticklin' them. So he goes over and tickles one.. and the Elmo starts
laffin' and wiggling... and then his head rolls off-- guess no one ever
taught the kid First Aid... so now the kids are all bawlin' but I
figure this is one Christmas they'll never forget.
A couple of hours later, things is pretty much cleaned up-- the kids
ain't bawlin' as bad, and they got most of the Christmas spirit into a
bodybag; for the Elmos, they separated the heads and put 'em in one bag
and the bodies in another-- somethin' about turnin' 'em into garish,
red teddy bears.
And so everyone was feelin' pretty good, all things considered, as they
headed out to Venison Night at Joe's Diner... figured I'd just as soon
skip out on that one...
© 1996, Sarang Gupta
(sarang@sarangworld.com) (http://www.sarangworld.com/)
Please feel free to copy and post this original work of humor, but
include all credits and copyright notices, including this line.
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